Come Hell or High Water

Things Lauren Loves:

1) Hanging peach rings off her erect nipples

2) Taking giant shits

.... that's all I really know to list right now.

If I was a barbie with a pull string that made me say things, I think one of my phrases would be, "Let's decorate!" Imagine it.

Food Queries:

1) Are Klondike Bars just like York Peppermint Patties but freezing cold?

2) Why don't they make pear sauce? Like apple sauce but with pears?

Other Questions:

1) How come only cats and grandpas have whiskers?

2) Is the founder of Jack in the Box just really ugly? Why does he have to wear that giant balloon all the time?

3) Will you buy me a Webkins for my birthday?

4) What about occidental rugs? Like rugs from the Americas.

I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat a human corpse in the US, which I find disappointing. I really want to eat my future mate's body when he dies, or have him eat my body when I die. Since I don't believe in heaven or an afterworld where we can meet up again, this would be like my alternative consolation prize. Even though he had died, he would still be alive as part of me.

I don't see what's so revolting about it. Christians claim to eat Jesus's corpse every Sunday, and he's been dead for like 2,000 years!

Cops need to fucking step off my tits. I've gotten three tickets in the past month. I had never received any before that.

Age is relative, but in another way, it's absolute.

All of civilization is a giant fiber optic cable. We're all single fibers, together millions of billions of fibers, all pointing towards universal truth. My fiber is slightly purple.

Man sometimes I REALLY want to roll in grass and play in the dirt. Dogs have it so good. If I was a dog, I'd dig holes all the time.

This blog is really going downhill fast...

I don’t know if I’ve ever written about this before, but when I was really little I used to think that butts were where poop was stored, and really big butts just hold WAY more poop than most people’s butts.  And in this context, I wondered why people thought butts were attractive.

I’m not a cannibal, but I’ve certainly considered it.  Is it possible to make human caviar?

I am so sick of big dog snobbery.  Little dogs get so much crap for being little, and many times they can be more pleasant than big dogs.  Have you ever met a Havanese?  Those dogs are the friendliest, best behaved little dogs, and they hardly ever bark.  I agree that greasy little terriers and ratty little poodles can be intolerable little shitbricks, but big dogs can be pretty obnoxious also.  Some chows and labs bark constantly, and pit bulls maul children for crying out loud!  Anyway, both big dogs and little dogs can be menaces so why the prejudices?

NOTE: The artwork in this post is original BTW.