Come Hell or High Water

Things Lauren Loves:

1) Hanging peach rings off her erect nipples

2) Taking giant shits

.... that's all I really know to list right now.

If I was a barbie with a pull string that made me say things, I think one of my phrases would be, "Let's decorate!" Imagine it.

Food Queries:

1) Are Klondike Bars just like York Peppermint Patties but freezing cold?

2) Why don't they make pear sauce? Like apple sauce but with pears?

Other Questions:

1) How come only cats and grandpas have whiskers?

2) Is the founder of Jack in the Box just really ugly? Why does he have to wear that giant balloon all the time?

3) Will you buy me a Webkins for my birthday?

4) What about occidental rugs? Like rugs from the Americas.

I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat a human corpse in the US, which I find disappointing. I really want to eat my future mate's body when he dies, or have him eat my body when I die. Since I don't believe in heaven or an afterworld where we can meet up again, this would be like my alternative consolation prize. Even though he had died, he would still be alive as part of me.

I don't see what's so revolting about it. Christians claim to eat Jesus's corpse every Sunday, and he's been dead for like 2,000 years!

Cops need to fucking step off my tits. I've gotten three tickets in the past month. I had never received any before that.

Age is relative, but in another way, it's absolute.

All of civilization is a giant fiber optic cable. We're all single fibers, together millions of billions of fibers, all pointing towards universal truth. My fiber is slightly purple.

Man sometimes I REALLY want to roll in grass and play in the dirt. Dogs have it so good. If I was a dog, I'd dig holes all the time.

http://www.awkwardboners.com/

Oh really?

Do people from other countries who don’t say bless you, say something else to acknowledge sneezes?

I don’t understand the purpose of fruit on the bottom yogurt.  Why do people like it that way?  Do they think of the fruit as like a reward for getting through all the tart stuff?  Why don’t they like the blended?  I used to have a theory that people who were food mixers/blenders – people who will eat two bits of different dishes on the same forkfull (on purpose) were less inhibited and more sociable than non-food mixers, i.e. the people who hate for different types of food to touch.  I don’t know where I came up with that, but it seems to jive with my experiences…  I wonder if there is actually a correlation.

Man, I wish I had a glass eye so I could tap it with a pen and smile when I’m making a point.  That'd be a scream; people would freak out thinking I was touching my real eye and I'd LAUGH AND LAUGH!  This is just one of the things that I would like to do when I'm an eccentric biology teacher.  I also want a tobacco pipe which I'll fill with soapy water so I can blow bubbles while my students do worksheets.  I think I'll also wear fake mutton chops, or maybe a full beard and a stovepipe hat - the whole Abe Lincoln bit.  I'd dress up as Calvin Coolidge, because he was a WAY better president, but he's not very interesting looking.  

I keep having the most neurotic dreams lately.  Mostly about bugs crawling all over me.  I think I'm anxious about finals.  I've also been sleeping with my eyes half open - another thing that happens to me when I go to sleep anxious.  

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/You_Don_t_Know_How_It_Feels_Album_Version_/10229761I was listening to some 90’s music last night and that Tom Petty song “You Don’t Know How It Feels” came on, and I just thought, “Listen Tom, you don’t know how it fucking feels to be ME!!!”