Eeeeeep!

It smells like fall outside ya'll!!! Right now! It just turned fall! Oh I'm so sad to be done with summer, but good knight! Won't you smell the air?! I can't wait to ride my bike tomorrow. :D

Too young, too stupid.

I am a silly silly stupid naive foolish girl. But what if I'm right ... I could be right.

Kittens and Rocks

I feel all sparkly inside. Like a really moist cupcake with sprinkles on it.

<3

GODDAMN! The world looks good!!! :D :D :D

Sussypants

Why do women take group pictures of their feet? This is a really weird and oddly prevalent phenomenon and I don't get it.

Yesterday I decided penises would look way cuter in little outfits. (Like imagine your favorite penis wearing a mini beret and an ascot. ... Feel that? Those are gina tingles.) So I started asking Ian all these weird questions, i.e. "What if I had a fetish for... ", "Would you rather have your wang dressed up like a cowboy, or have it wear a tuxedo?" Which made Ian wonder, "How hypothetical are these questions REALLY?" :P I think he's catchin' on to me.

I think I'm gonna name my first son Ragnar, after Ragnar Benson, one of my favorite anti-government survivalist bad ass motherfuckers. He writes books about mantrapping (yeah fucking MANtrapping), making your own garage guns and flamethrowers, how to drop off the grid, how to live off the land in city or country, and how to find/manufacture your own pharmaceuticals among other things. Check out his treatise on how to build a flamethrower: http://www.scribd.com/doc/6495987/Breath-of-the-Dragon

Oh and FUCK YOU NSA! I know I'm probably on some government watch list now that I've professed my admiration for Mr. Benson and shared with everyone how to make a homemade flamethrower. Ya'll can all suck a bag of dicks!

Every shirt in my closet is wrinkled.

Kisses are secrets told mouth to mouth.

Come Hell or High Water

Things Lauren Loves:

1) Hanging peach rings off her erect nipples

2) Taking giant shits

.... that's all I really know to list right now.

If I was a barbie with a pull string that made me say things, I think one of my phrases would be, "Let's decorate!" Imagine it.

Food Queries:

1) Are Klondike Bars just like York Peppermint Patties but freezing cold?

2) Why don't they make pear sauce? Like apple sauce but with pears?

Other Questions:

1) How come only cats and grandpas have whiskers?

2) Is the founder of Jack in the Box just really ugly? Why does he have to wear that giant balloon all the time?

3) Will you buy me a Webkins for my birthday?

4) What about occidental rugs? Like rugs from the Americas.

I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat a human corpse in the US, which I find disappointing. I really want to eat my future mate's body when he dies, or have him eat my body when I die. Since I don't believe in heaven or an afterworld where we can meet up again, this would be like my alternative consolation prize. Even though he had died, he would still be alive as part of me.

I don't see what's so revolting about it. Christians claim to eat Jesus's corpse every Sunday, and he's been dead for like 2,000 years!

Cops need to fucking step off my tits. I've gotten three tickets in the past month. I had never received any before that.

Age is relative, but in another way, it's absolute.

All of civilization is a giant fiber optic cable. We're all single fibers, together millions of billions of fibers, all pointing towards universal truth. My fiber is slightly purple.

Man sometimes I REALLY want to roll in grass and play in the dirt. Dogs have it so good. If I was a dog, I'd dig holes all the time.