Not having a job and not being in school provides me with ample time to think about my "problems" and to become simultaneously depressed AND self-absorbed.  I feel bad for everyone who has to be around me.

Come on bartender, be a little more tender. I ate all your peanuts, return me to sender.

Tomorrow Ian's going out on his second date with some new girl off OkCupid.

We've been broken up for 10 days.

I could have dates too by now!  I could be on a date tonight if I felt like it!  I get like 20 messages a day (well, if it's going well) on OkCupid.  In fact, now, I feel compelled to go on a date.
I don't want to though.  Ugghhhh I just dooooooonnnnnn't feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel like it.  How can I go out on dates when I feel so depressed and messed up inside?  How does HE do it?  :'-(
Second date, that's like the first kiss date ...  Ugh!  The thought of that makes me want to barf.  Some other girl gets to kiss him when I don't get to.  It tears me up inside.  Ian says stupid things like, "You're making a bigger deal out of this than it is."  It is a big deal to meeeee!

Oh well, he groped my breasts like a 14 year old anyway.

DIY Shelter

Have you ever read (not really reading so much as looking at pictures) the book Handmade Houses?  It is inspirational!  Makes me want to move out to the Pacific Northwest and live in a log cabin reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaalllll bad.

This article made me remember the book:

Carbuncles

I'm going to start a club, and you can join it if you want.  It's going to be called "The Pet Petting Club".  Basically, you just bring your pet to the meetings, and the members ... pet it.

Alright, so here's my other club idea: I can't decide on the name, I'm thinking something like "Daft Craft" or "Creative Daze" or "Smoke Trees with Crafties" and it basically involves me and my friends herbally enhancing our moods, and then gluing felt, glitter, and googly eyes onto pinecones and rocks.

I was thinking about this the other day, why aren't there any oriental rugs with fractal patterns?  Does that exist, because it should.

Life IS suffering.  I used to think that concept was ridiculous.  I used to think life was full of blessings, and full of exuberance and joy.  Maybe that is still the case.  Lately though, I always seem to be in the midst of loss, and when I'm not grieving over some loss of something that was important to me, I'm fearful of what a potential loss would feel like.  I think it has to do with forming deep attachments to people and places.  Like the last couple days I was in New Jersey and I knew I would be leaving Ian soon, even when I wasn't at that moment leaving him, I was anticipating the loss of him, and it hurt just as much.  And I'm always attached to something, many things at the same time!  And so life is always endless, awful, discouraging suffering.  I'm always in the midst of loss or fearful of loss and how terrible the devastation can be.

Sometimes if you are REALLY REALLY sad, it hurts physically too.  Like you have the flu or something.  I did not learn this until recently.

.... This blows.