"Non-Flammable" Is that a challenge?

 I like to change the English language as it suits my needs.  Here's a new proposal:  You know how when you're chatting with someone online and they type a phrase and then end it with an elipses?  It's so confusing because you don't know if they're just pausing or trailing off, or if there's more to come!  I think whenever people want to indicate a very extended pause they should put, ",,," and if there's more to come they should put, "...".  Doesn't that make more sense?

Pits up Uhmerikuh!

Ian's turned me into the biggest mushiest dork.  It's obscene, it really is.

In other news, I'm growing out my armpit hair.  Ian is not a fan.  Oh the hypocrisy.  :P  :D

It just makes me mad that people are so weird about female armpit hair.  It's such a stupid taboo.  Women wax and shave their pits to perpetuate this ideal, this pretending like we don't grow armpit hair, when everyone knows we do.  It's so stupid, it's funny.  Surely armpit hair serves some worthy evolutionary purpose to be kept around for thousands of years.  I intend to find out what that purpose is.  My guess is the whole trap for pheromones thing.  I know Ian doesn't like armpit hair now, but I bet his desire for me will intensify once it gets long enough.  :D  Sure I'll stink a little, but we'll be connecting on that hormonal level.  :D 

The other day I was rubbing baking soda into my pits because I ran out of deoderant, (that's a SUPER good substitute by the way) and I felt so uber-granola-girl-mother-earth-nature-goddess.  I am emboldened by my armpit hair.  Looking at it now, all I can think is, why must we bow to the pressures of Western consumerism.  Embrace natural femininity, womanhood doesn't need to be cultivated.

EDIT:  Apparently Ian doesn't really care.  That's actually what I thought originally, he's pretty ambivalent about body hair in general it seems, but then we had a discussion about it and he acted a little unsettled by the idea.

Party Bears

Being in love has turned me into the most creatively lame person ever.  :P  All I want to talk about is Ian, and make giant lists about all the things I love about him, and write terrible love poetry, and post all these pictures with stupid happy smiles on our faces on Facebook.  I've turned completely lame sauce.  I feel like making all these weird declarations to the world.  For instance, today I wanted to yell from the rooftops -
GOD BLESS ANAL SEX!  AND GOD BLESS IAN MILLS!
Sigh, I do a lot of sighing.  Falling in love isn't too complicated.  Mostly you just sigh a lot, and think about how sweet his eyelashes look making dark Cs against his cheeks while he's sleeping.  And then you sigh some more.  There's this weird paradox where you feel as natural and as comfortable as you do when you're alone, except you have company and your companion thinks to give you friendly kisses every so often.   Sometimes I feel like the sun is shining on my insides and warming them up.  I mean there's a lot more to it than that, but Ian's the best.  Best Best Best!!!!

The First Of Several - Biographical Sketches Of My Friends

"I'd eat the corn outta her shit."
- Dorian, one of my favorite people.

Completely inappropriate at times, and yet still a total ladies man.

"Dude, quit the facade, we all know you're only into the poop for the corn. They sell it on the cob, too, you know. I had to learn that the hard way..."

- Claire, another favorite person

Flowchart To My Heart (and other bits)

*Click for larger image*

I have this tendency to make charts and graphs and rubrics and the like, in an effort to prioritize what’s important to me – including the stuff of love and relationships.  My logic is twofold:  1) How are you supposed to find what you want if you can’t articulate it?  And 2) When entering semi-uncharted territory, scientific analysis is invaluable.

Imagine my excitement when I found out that OkCupid had a "Flowchart To My Heart" application.   Basically you answer a bunch of questions and then it randomly generates a flowchart that someone can look at and immediately decipher if you'd go on a date with them or not.  I thought it was a cute idea, but unfortunately the flowchart has some fatal errors in its presentation.  I found that certain questions needed higher priority than others, and also that for some questions, giving the wrong answer would be an immediate deal breaker in real life.  Furthermore, not all the questions they asked were relevant to a "dating" relationship.  For instance, I probably wouldn't marry someone who was kindof useless around the house or who didn't make smart decisions about their money, but I might still date them.

So I made my own flowchart that looks and reads exactly how it should!  It’s so tempting to make this sort of thing because I’m obsessed with relationships being about compatibility.  I fit your flowchart, you fit mine.

Sometimes though, I think maybe I’m being silly trying to engineer all this and wanting/expecting things to match perfectly.  There’s no magic in that.  Maybe love should be about finding sparks and chasing them.

I guess I’ll figure it all out soon enough.  (maybe)

On a related note, my dad says it's foolish to be so concerned with a potential mate's political inclination - libertarian or otherwise.  But I think someone's political opinions can be indicative of many other things about their personality.  Plus everyone knows that men who subscribe to the Austrian school of economics are better in bed.  It's just true!

Mmmmmmm... I love John Muir. :D :D :D

"..One learns that the world, though made, is yet being made, That this is still the morning of creation. That mountains, long concieved, are now being born, brought to life by the glaciers, channels traced for rivers, basins hollowed for lakes. That moraine soil is being ground and outspread for coming plants...while the finest part of the grist, seen hastening far out to sea, is being stored away in the darkness, and builded, particle on particle, cementing and crystallizing to make the mountains and valleys and plains of other landscapes, which, like fluent pulsing water, rise and fall, and pass through the ages in endless rhythm and beauty."

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while care will drop off like Autumn leaves."

"This grand show is eternal. It is always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never all dried at once; a shower is forever falling; vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal sunset, eternal dawn, and gloaming, on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn as the round Earth rolls."

"When I first caught sight of it over the braided folds of the Sacramento Valley I was fifty miles away and afoot, alone and weary. Yet all my blood turned to wine, and I have not been weary since."

"I never saw a discontented tree. They grip the ground as though they liked it, and though fast rooted they travel about as far as we do. "

"The mountains are calling and I must go."

"I used to envy the father of our race, dwelling as he did in contact with the new-made fields and plants of Eden; but I do so no more, because I have discovered that I also live in "creation's dawn." The morning stars still sing together, and the world, not yet half made, becomes more beautiful every day."

"None of Nature's landscapes are ugly so long as they are wild."

"I only went out for a walk, and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in."

Eeeeeep!

It smells like fall outside ya'll!!! Right now! It just turned fall! Oh I'm so sad to be done with summer, but good knight! Won't you smell the air?! I can't wait to ride my bike tomorrow. :D

Too young, too stupid.

I am a silly silly stupid naive foolish girl. But what if I'm right ... I could be right.

Kittens and Rocks

I feel all sparkly inside. Like a really moist cupcake with sprinkles on it.

<3

GODDAMN! The world looks good!!! :D :D :D

Sussypants

Why do women take group pictures of their feet? This is a really weird and oddly prevalent phenomenon and I don't get it.

Yesterday I decided penises would look way cuter in little outfits. (Like imagine your favorite penis wearing a mini beret and an ascot. ... Feel that? Those are gina tingles.) So I started asking Ian all these weird questions, i.e. "What if I had a fetish for... ", "Would you rather have your wang dressed up like a cowboy, or have it wear a tuxedo?" Which made Ian wonder, "How hypothetical are these questions REALLY?" :P I think he's catchin' on to me.

I think I'm gonna name my first son Ragnar, after Ragnar Benson, one of my favorite anti-government survivalist bad ass motherfuckers. He writes books about mantrapping (yeah fucking MANtrapping), making your own garage guns and flamethrowers, how to drop off the grid, how to live off the land in city or country, and how to find/manufacture your own pharmaceuticals among other things. Check out his treatise on how to build a flamethrower: http://www.scribd.com/doc/6495987/Breath-of-the-Dragon

Oh and FUCK YOU NSA! I know I'm probably on some government watch list now that I've professed my admiration for Mr. Benson and shared with everyone how to make a homemade flamethrower. Ya'll can all suck a bag of dicks!

Every shirt in my closet is wrinkled.

Kisses are secrets told mouth to mouth.

Come Hell or High Water

Things Lauren Loves:

1) Hanging peach rings off her erect nipples

2) Taking giant shits

.... that's all I really know to list right now.

If I was a barbie with a pull string that made me say things, I think one of my phrases would be, "Let's decorate!" Imagine it.

Food Queries:

1) Are Klondike Bars just like York Peppermint Patties but freezing cold?

2) Why don't they make pear sauce? Like apple sauce but with pears?

Other Questions:

1) How come only cats and grandpas have whiskers?

2) Is the founder of Jack in the Box just really ugly? Why does he have to wear that giant balloon all the time?

3) Will you buy me a Webkins for my birthday?

4) What about occidental rugs? Like rugs from the Americas.

I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat a human corpse in the US, which I find disappointing. I really want to eat my future mate's body when he dies, or have him eat my body when I die. Since I don't believe in heaven or an afterworld where we can meet up again, this would be like my alternative consolation prize. Even though he had died, he would still be alive as part of me.

I don't see what's so revolting about it. Christians claim to eat Jesus's corpse every Sunday, and he's been dead for like 2,000 years!

Cops need to fucking step off my tits. I've gotten three tickets in the past month. I had never received any before that.

Age is relative, but in another way, it's absolute.

All of civilization is a giant fiber optic cable. We're all single fibers, together millions of billions of fibers, all pointing towards universal truth. My fiber is slightly purple.

Man sometimes I REALLY want to roll in grass and play in the dirt. Dogs have it so good. If I was a dog, I'd dig holes all the time.

Ian has informed me that he has a dirt bike and does not need to be grandfathered into my plan, thank-you-very-much! :P :D

AHHHHHH!!!!! I almost died but it was so much fucking fun I don't care! :D

Whooooo-hooooo! I just got back from riding around on the back of Paul's motorcycle. So much fun! We rode all around Westlake, Capital of Texas highway, and then down FM 2222 and then up mopac, and down all these twisty hilly roads - he went really fast on those and on mopac, ahhh! :D Thought I was going to die, but I survived. We saw deer.... ahhhhhh such a blast! I love motorcycles! Love love love them! I'm heavily considering making it a policy to only date guys with motorcycles from here on out. Ian will be grandfathered in of course.

Oh Ian... la la la... :D :D :D

Pale Blue Dot

I watched this video made by an autistic woman about how it is to be autistic and why she feels compelled to do all the weird stuff she does - like touch things repetitively and that sort of thing. She said she was interacting with the objects around her by touching them - like she was talking to them and they were talking back. Sometimes I wish I had a mental disorder so that I might be able to access certain parts of being human that other people couldn't. In this instance, I really wish I could interact with inanimate objects around me the way autistics do. I do connect with inanimate objects sometimes though. I was sitting outside just now touching this big leafy plant and it really did feel like a conversation. I touched it, like playing a piano, I was making a message with my fingers, and the plant was touching me in a way that was kindof like talking. And then I thought about all the ways we talk and interact with all the things around us, like how food feels in my mouth and how air feels in my lungs - we're all talking to one another.

I hate that people use air conditioning so much in the summer. I mean it's nice when you've been outside for forever I guess, but it's kindof like anesthesia during surgery. I hate when you're about to go into surgery and they tell you you won't feel a thing. It seems so unnatural to me. I was expecting pain. Aren't you supposed to feel pain when someone's cutting into you with a scalpel? Maybe I was even looking forward to it and had already accepted it on some level and now I'm not going to feel anything. How unhuman to not feel a thing. Summertime is supposed to be hot. So why does my room and the dining room and every indoor place I go feel wintery fucking cold?

Hey have ya'll ever checked out Google Sky? http://www.google.com/sky/ Eeep! This is one of my favorite new things. Doesn't it excite you how many worlds there are to explore? I mean there's the interpersonal world, like your world and my world and how we interact, and then there's pond water, those amoebas and protists have their own world going on, you can check it out under a microscope. You can travel to different countries, experiencing different cultures can certainly be other-worldly. Or, you can look through a telescope and think about the array of other worlds going on everywhere else. Between the stars you could see before, now you see even more stars, and more stars between those. Galaxies among more galaxies. Jesus Christ in a jumpsuit! Sometimes I get real hopped up just being alive.

And while we're talking about intense inspirational things that make Lauren cry like a baby in a stupid happy way about how beautiful it all is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pfwY2TNehw

I think everyone needs to try out a book by Charles Bukowski

Glory be to the best motherfucking co-op in the whole fucking world. God I love this place. This is an incredibly happy time in my life, possibly the happiest I've ever been, and a lot of that happiness is due to living at 21st St.

This is the first time I’ve felt truly free in America, where I can go naked as often as I please, and do as many drugs as I please without anyone hassling me. I can say what I think and wear or not wear whatever I want without any real fear of reproach. I feel uncensored, unrestrained, like I can be my authentic self and have people see me for who I am and it is glorious. It feels good to my soul. I never want to leave.

The democracy ideal which I think is a crapshoot on a large scale, really works in this setting and I feel like I have the power to change things I care about. I especially love the way people voluntarily cooperate to get things done due to their own vested interest in this place. Occasionally I find some choice examples of why socialism is a shit show, tragedy of the commons and all of that, but I've decided that is healthier for people to live in close-knit groups taking care of one another and suffering the slightly squalid consequences, rather than to isolate themselves in an apartment and expend energy on having lots of nice things. Well, different lifestyles may just make different people happy, but I sure am glad I found what works best for me! :D Actually, living in this quasi-socialist cooperative living situation, is a testament to the free market in my opinion. The fact that people have choices in capitalism - to live as an individualist laboring only for yourself and family, or to live cooperatively, laboring for the benefit of the people in your surroundings - is really wonderful. It certainly doesn't work the other way around. In a communist country, you don't really get that choice.

People care about one another here. People here care about me. I'll give you an example. Yesterday I was taking the trash out of the Commons (where we have parties), and as I was walking by the back porch, my foot slipped off of my flip flop (freak accident) and a piece of broken glass stabbed my heel. I got cut really bad and started bleeding all over the place. Immediately like 5 people became incredibly concerned about my welfare. Alfredo helped carry me over to the mop shed so I could wash off my foot and my sandal which was covered in blood, and then 30 seconds later Garrett was there with his fully stocked first aid kit. They helped me to a bench and Garrett cleaned up my foot and did a first-rate job of dressing my wound. There was even an EMT present explaining how I would know if there was still glass in my foot. While all of that was going on, Alfredo hosed all of my blood off the sidewalk. (Garrett actually even re-dressed my wound again and also superglued me back together later after I busted my cut open hobbling around in Twin Liquors and HEB with Alfredo - I rode around in a motorized wheelchair. Yea! But Garrett - man, what a guy! :D ) Anyway, moral of the story: I'm so grateful to have such great friends watching out for me.

UPDATE: This is my foot two days after Garrett fixed me up. The cut's like half the size it was when it happened.

On another note, caring for one another in a cooperative living situation really fits with my made-up religion also. Like that there is divinity within all of us, and we have this collective consciousness because we are parts of God, which allows us to sense the suffering (or joy or peace or love) of others. This makes it such that when people pray, those who recognize their divinity and acknowledge that they are a part of God, those people can hear prayers and share in their joy, or love, or suffering, or render aid to that person, etc. You can't help others and be joyful with them and take care of them if you are isolated from them. So being around co-opers and helping out and sharing in people's experiences, is really... I don't know... divinity affirming I guess - it sits right with my beliefs.

This song will always make me think of the co-op:http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Kids_Album_Version_/23111624

In other news, I've found my calling - http://pornfortheblind.org/ I'm going to start doing voice descriptions of various porn scenes so that blind people can jerk off/buff the muff to things on the Internet like able-bodied people. It's a non-profit charity so I feel pretty good about lending my voice to making some great narrations. As it is, most of the contributors are male, which I think would kind of suck if I were a blind guy, don't you agree? Plus, I think I could do sexier descriptions - like here's a direct quote from one clip - hilarious in it's dettachedness, "... Gaping anus being stretched open, presumably after being plugged by a large European penis." More: "Another man in a soccer jersey is doing his part in the double penetration (hesitation) to a woman... who is also kissing another woman... The two men are wearing shirts, but the shirts have no sleeves." Haha. Oh dear! So I'm open to requests people - what are some favorite scenes I should narrations of?

Life Is Short But Sweet For Certain

Awwwww shit! These curtains I just made look fuckin' SHARP! All the while I was making them I was criticizing my uneven seams and impreciseness lining things up, but now that I put them up, they really clean up the whole room. They're also very practical, letting in light during the day and serving as blackout curtains at night. Maybe I'll post pictures later.

I love co-opers. Grave robbing at 2 am in the state cemetary, busting up my knees climbing trees with fellow winos. I'm happy here.

UPDATE: Pictures! Note how the drapes match the sofa. Yea! :P

And then this is the cool lighting fixture I made using Christmas lights and our ceiling fan which doesn't work anyway. It turned out way better than I expected.

This is my roommate's. It's this glittery portrait of Alex from Clockwork Orange. I think it's pretty awesome.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh I just got drunj way to fucking fast, I'm in my room to become undrunk

dear brain,

do not passs out before taking birth contorl, I shout just do that now

also give Valerie rent money fuuuck.

gotta pee...

"So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten.."

"... Sons are like birds, flying upwards over the mountain..."

I love summer from the very very bottom of my heart. Summertime is the best time.

I wish I could kiss every blade of grass, every cloud, every ray of sun, and every petal I see and touch. Things smell better in the summer, maybe not people exactly, but the wooden swing at the co-op, the leather interior of my car, the air outside, everything that's in the sun smells so good.

I saw Morgan and another girl picking a bouquet of flowers outside the co-op as I was on my way to work today. They had blue and pink and lavender and yellow flowers. I felt jealous, but in an un-malicious way. I wanted to pick flowers too.

Sometimes I'm sad that I don't believe in God. If I did I would have so much to thank him for. I get overwhelmed by how beautiful it all is, and the magical complexity of you and I. Sometimes all those thank yous pile on top of each other because I don't have anyone to give them to, and they fill my heart up, and it makes me want to cry. My face gets all hot and I have to drink really cold water to calm down again. I don't really know what to do about all that ...

Goals: 1) Build more forts 2) Cop more feels 3) Photobomb every picture I can

Texas is hot as balls this summer, but there's no where else I'd rather be.

Showing my underwear haphazardly to the world is one of my favorite things to do, I've realized.

Maybe this summer, well maybe I like Tom Petty afterall... http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Mary_Janes_Last_Dance/530531

I found this picture printed out on the floor of the computer lab at the co-op last night. I think I'm going to put it on my ceiling above my loft bed, it's just so glorious.

Oh Burt!

Spent most of night before last making out. Best.

I really want some footie pajamas for my birthday this year.

Footies are for everyone!

http://www.awkwardboners.com/

Oh really?

Do people from other countries who don’t say bless you, say something else to acknowledge sneezes?

I don’t understand the purpose of fruit on the bottom yogurt.  Why do people like it that way?  Do they think of the fruit as like a reward for getting through all the tart stuff?  Why don’t they like the blended?  I used to have a theory that people who were food mixers/blenders – people who will eat two bits of different dishes on the same forkfull (on purpose) were less inhibited and more sociable than non-food mixers, i.e. the people who hate for different types of food to touch.  I don’t know where I came up with that, but it seems to jive with my experiences…  I wonder if there is actually a correlation.

Man, I wish I had a glass eye so I could tap it with a pen and smile when I’m making a point.  That'd be a scream; people would freak out thinking I was touching my real eye and I'd LAUGH AND LAUGH!  This is just one of the things that I would like to do when I'm an eccentric biology teacher.  I also want a tobacco pipe which I'll fill with soapy water so I can blow bubbles while my students do worksheets.  I think I'll also wear fake mutton chops, or maybe a full beard and a stovepipe hat - the whole Abe Lincoln bit.  I'd dress up as Calvin Coolidge, because he was a WAY better president, but he's not very interesting looking.  

I keep having the most neurotic dreams lately.  Mostly about bugs crawling all over me.  I think I'm anxious about finals.  I've also been sleeping with my eyes half open - another thing that happens to me when I go to sleep anxious.  

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/You_Don_t_Know_How_It_Feels_Album_Version_/10229761I was listening to some 90’s music last night and that Tom Petty song “You Don’t Know How It Feels” came on, and I just thought, “Listen Tom, you don’t know how it fucking feels to be ME!!!” 

Lovin' On Some Precious Bunnies

Man I wanna rabbit so freaking bad!  

Can you feed veggies covered in cheese fondue to rabbits?  I have dreams of having a tea and fondue party with my rabbit.

Are rabbits allergic to chocolate like dogs are?

If I had a bunny I could pretend it was Easter every day!  I'm gonna have a rabbit, and I'm gonna name him Chub Chub... or Pancake... or Bazzle... or Renegade... maybe I need to see my rabbit before I name him...  Should I get a bunny with floppy ears, or one with erect ears?

   

Eventually, I really want a Flemish Giant Rabbit.  

Look at that big furry baby!!!  What a super fatty awesome bunny!  Apparently this type of bunny acts more like a laid-back dog than a bunny, which is the kind of temperament I'm looking for.  I've heard some rabbits are really mean, no matter how much you train them.  I love bunnies, but if my bunny was really mean and wouldn't behave even after I worked with him a whole whole lot, I'd probably just cook him and eat him without much remorse.  I hear rabbit tastes really good.

Check out this video Daniel found in response to my post on hydraulics:

This video is amazing for several reasons. 1) The gummy bear is in undies only, and if that doesn't feel naughty enough for you, 2) He keeps touching himself in kindof an awkward Michael Jackson impression dance move and, 3) At 1:00 he starts shaking his donk all over Youtube quite seductively!  Look at how round and bouncy his booty is, I thought gummy bears had more reserve!

The embedded video is the Hungarian version.  I think not being able to understand any of it, really adds to the charm.

P.S. *GASP*  If I had a yellow duck too, I think that would really help enrich my live Easter "nativity" scene.  :D

Sooooooo…. It’s freaking FIESTA WEEK!!!!

Aiiiiiiiii-Yiiiiii-Yiiiiii!!! Cheech and Chong and Fiesta puppies!

Once upon a time there was a girl who ate way way too much oatmeal. (It wasn’t real oatmeal but a gluten-free version of oatmeal made from buckwheat which tastes pretty much the same.) She put strawberry jelly in it and made swirls with her spoon like how she does when she goes to Cracker Barrel. And even though it made her tummy very very full to eat that much oatmeal, she didn’t regret eating it because oatmeal is oh so very delicious!

I used to want to write stories that didn’t have any real plot or conflict. The story would basically be a description of this impossibly happy situation that someone was in. I think people would go for that. I’d be inventing my own genre because my stories wouldn’t really be funny or dramatic, they’d just be pleasant.

I also want to make my own super super positive tv show, it would be like Mr. Rogers' Neighboorhood, but for adults. There would be a segment with puppets, and a segment where a professional hoola hooper would teach a Mr. Rogers lookalike to hoola hoop, and then we'd watch the Mr. Rogers impersonator feed his fish and listen to him sing songs about how we're special and no one can do a better job of being us than us.

I think I’m going to start up my own consulting business as a phrenologist. I could determine people’s aptitudes for different things, and I want to testify in court and give my analysis of whether the defendant is guilty or not based on their inherent tendency to murder (which I would decipher from the size and placement of the bumps and depressions in their skull).

Resolution to the Poop Volume Question

So I thought about it and also talked to Daniel who pretty much knows everything that’s important to know, about the whole ‘Where does my food go exactly’ question I asked in my last post.   Independently I had decided that mass to energy conversions don’t happen in your body, and that’s not why the volume of food-stuff decreases as it moves through you, but that food mass, like glucose or other sugars, is converted into other substances that you release, via cellular respiration, without you really realizing that you’re releasing them.  Look at this equation:

 

We take in sugar and oxygen and produce water and carbon dioxide.  Carbon dioxide we breathe out and water we can sweat or pee or also breathe out.  So la-tee-da, there you have it.  Obviously this doesn't give the whole story, because we don't just eat glucose, we eat complex carbs and protein and fat, but I think it's the same sort of idea.  Except when you burn proteins and fats you produce some other metabolites like urea and ketones.  However just to be sure, I asked Daniel if mass to energy conversions do actually happen in your body and he said “YES!”  Apparently whenever you’re breaking down something chemically and releasing energy, the sum of the masses of the broken down parts will be less than the mass of the whole of the thing you started with.  I’m pretty sure I learned that in some class at some point but in application, I guess it didn’t stick.

 

By the way, it seems like biology teachers, or at least all the ones that I know about, introduce the whole cellular respiration thing as, “this is how your body gets energy!”   I think it’s a lot more interesting to introduce it this way, e.g. “Have ya’ll ever noticed that the volume of stuff that you eat is much larger than the volume of stuff you poop out?  Why is that?”  That seems like a much more likely thing to wonder about than, where your body’s energy comes from. 

Science is the best tool I know of for making sense of things, especially biology since that’s what most of my questions are related to, and I think it’s important to convey that idea to students – that you can get a lot of your questions ANSWERED!!! if you just learn a little science! 

 

So far 25% of my posts have involved poop in some way.

I don’t understand what this product is for:

I don’t know what body hair you can bleach and it will fix the issue.
Just because it’s blonde doesn’t mean it’s invisible!  

Exhibit A: Hulk Hogan’s ‘stache;  

 

Exhibit B: my legs after not shaving for…  I don’t know … at least a week.   The hair looks kindof like this girl's, all shiny in the sun.

Apparently most women use cream bleach to bleach their mustaches.  I actually kindof wish I could grow one, but not a measely dirt smudge, I'd want a substantial nose neighbor.  How cool would that be?  :D  If I had a mustache, I would want to find other people with mustaches, so we could rub our mustaches together.  

When I poop, am I pooping the same volume of stuff that I put into my mouth?  It sure doesn’t seem like it.  I feel like I eat A LOT!  But then every morning after the bunghole train has left the station, I examine my handiwork and I’m just not convinced!  I mean, I know we break down food for energy, but what does that really even mean?  (I realize I’m about to have a biology degree in a year, and I should be the one answering this question, but I’m confused) Is there really a conversion of mass to energy in my body???  I don’t think that’s what happens – I think the chemical bonds in your food are broken and that’s what gives energy, but the mass should still be there!  Right?

 

I think many people get married to escape loneliness and maybe people truly feel like they’ve escaped it when they first get married, so they think they’ve succeeded.  But really, it’s always going to be you inside your own head, with no one ever understanding exactly what you’re experiencing or thinking.   

My hair smells like illicit substances from Marley Fest...

First Taste

I think I'm going to build a labyrinth with rocks.

Labyrinths are neat.

I think I’m going to start a competition with myself every year – like a personal challenge.  For instance, I want to try to eat 1000 tacos in a year.  Except I don’t know as I want to do that one first, as I didn’t come up with it – I read about someone else doing that.  I would like to do something similar. 

I want to take a year off after college.  I don't know what I'll do.  Maybe just eat tacos. 

This blog is really going downhill fast...

I don’t know if I’ve ever written about this before, but when I was really little I used to think that butts were where poop was stored, and really big butts just hold WAY more poop than most people’s butts.  And in this context, I wondered why people thought butts were attractive.

I’m not a cannibal, but I’ve certainly considered it.  Is it possible to make human caviar?

I am so sick of big dog snobbery.  Little dogs get so much crap for being little, and many times they can be more pleasant than big dogs.  Have you ever met a Havanese?  Those dogs are the friendliest, best behaved little dogs, and they hardly ever bark.  I agree that greasy little terriers and ratty little poodles can be intolerable little shitbricks, but big dogs can be pretty obnoxious also.  Some chows and labs bark constantly, and pit bulls maul children for crying out loud!  Anyway, both big dogs and little dogs can be menaces so why the prejudices?

NOTE: The artwork in this post is original BTW.

Better Than Fine

When I grow up I want to have a cupcake stand like the one downtown.  Hey cupcake!

I’m soooooo freaking pumped about Easter!

Man, I really wish I could do voodoo, and could make magical magnets to bring certain people or animals to me when I wanted to see them or pet them or talk to them.  I would have a magnet specially made for cats since cats never want to be my friend.  Except for David’s cat – but I think that cat’s just using me as a rubbing post for his ears. He probably doesn’t actually care about my friendship.

Why have I never dated a black guy?

Damn!  I think I've discovered something more amazing than the second coming of Jesus, viz. hydraulics. 

Seriously I'm obsessed.  How do they make those cars bounce and dance like that?!  I made this dank ass cumpilation ;) video, as a tribute to my favorite souped up lowriders hittin' the switches. 

I think I'm gonna need some help hooking up my Avalon...  volunteers?

A Price Too High For Riches

I've read that babies have x-ray vision, which is why they laugh all the time.  It's probably true.

You know what I just realized?  How totally fascinating my belly button is.  It’s amazing!!!! There’s 5 pointed star at the very center of my belly button.  I think most people fail to appreciate their buttons.  I have observed that people who are more overweight, tend to have longer tunnels.  I like my umbillicus a LOT!

Retardation: A Celebration

When I die, I really want people to lie about me in my obituary, because that’s exactly the kind of thing no one would suspect!

 

AUSTIN - University of Texas student, Lauren King fell asleep in the arms of Jesus on Friday.  A hell-raising alcoholic and polyglot, she spoke five languages and could cuss in two more, all the while slurring every word.  All smiles and hair and charm, she made several appearances as one of Barker’s Beauties on The Price is Right.  Though born to be a lover not a fighter, she regularly engaged in gun fights with IRS auditors and vampire cops under the banner of liberty.  King was frequently hostess to many flamboyant, yet classy, gorilla orgies, citing their need to express their authentic sexuality in a place where they would not be judged.  A friend and advocate to man and beast alike, she will be sorely missed.

 

Old Habits, New Beginnings

Soooooo....  I made this blog a while back and then just NEVER wrote in it, but I think I'm gonna start.   

I’m probably not going to write much about the normal day-to-day things that happen to me because I think that kind of stuff is boring.   I’m going to write about the things I think about, and crazy ideas I have.  I have a lot of ideas for this blog actually…  

Am I a natural blonde as my blog name suggests?  I can’t decide.  Naturally my hair is an ashy light brown in the shade and a golden-y dark blonde in the sunlight, so who can really say.  I highlight a lot of it.  I’m definitely light complected though with blonde eyelashes and eyebrows, so I think the name works.